April 2012
68 posts
3 tags
no. 752 - @nedroid
My life is about 80% waiting until it’s time to eat food @nedroid
5 tags
no. 751 - @JimGaffigan
~Illustrated by Joy and Noelle of Twins Are Weird~Hey people that sit on planes not reading, listening to or watching anything: you look like serial killers.@JimGaffigan
3 tags
no. 750 - @prodigalsam
Hard tacos are just soft tacos from the streets. @prodigalsam
5 tags
no. 749 - @VeryShortStory
Outside the window, Mark stood in the moonlight, serenading Vicky. Her heart remained closed, unmoved by the sounds of his tuba. @VeryShortStory
6 tags
no. 748 - @misandristcutie
are you there god? it’s-a me, mario@misandristcutie
5 tags
no. 747 - @CrystalMoonable
~Illustrated by: @hollandersauce~ My sisters Chihuahua hasnt stopped shivering in 9 years.@CrystalMoonable
4 tags
no. 746 - @ericicomedy
I just flew in from a thesaurus convention. And boy are my arms somniferous. @ericicomedy
6 tags
no. 745 - @mdvaldosta
Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.@mdvaldosta
14 tags
no. 744 - @NotJPo
1. Eat stack of pancakes for breakfast.2. Go on diet.3. Eat carrot for lunch.4. Yell at kids.5. Cry.6. Eat 45 oreos.@NotJPo
6 tags
no. 743 - @hipstermermaid
~Original illustration by: Mitra Farmand~Imagine a person you are jealous of. Now, imagine them wearing Crocs. Feel better?@hipstermermaid
4 tags
no. 742 - @BlitznBeans
I always see my bed as half empty. @BlitznBeans
5 tags
no. 741 - @PyrBliss
I don’t care if they ban texting and driving; my middle finger out the driver’s side window will always be the original instant message.@PyrBliss
6 tags
no. 740 - @meganamram
Love means never having to say anything because you’re both looking at your smart phones -@meganamram
5 tags
no. 739 - @donni
Maybe the dinosaurs just got really depressed. @donni
6 tags
no. 738 - @OneFunnyBastard
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her@OneFunnyBastard
6 tags
no. 737 - @GavinPivott
I wish I loved anything as much as morning radio hosts love their own jokes.@GavinPivott
3 tags
no. 736 - @HalfJewHalfMisc
If God made everything then he must be somewhere in China.@HalfJewHalfMisc
5 tags
no. 735 - @anjeanettec
Homeless people love a handout, but they love using the blood pressuremachine at CVS even more. @anjeanettec
6 tags
no. 734 - @OhNoSheTwitnt
~Original SJP Illustration by: YourPersonalCartoonist~ Nickelback is terrible, Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse and bacon is delicious. Can we all please move on now?@OhNoSheTwitnt
3 tags
no. 733 - @IamEnidColeslaw
A police horse shit on me. RT @McDonalds Happy Tuesday everyone! How’s your day going? @IamEnidColeslaw
4 tags
no. 732 - @kellyoxford
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool & legal to fart in their face as you walk by. @kellyoxford
5 tags
no. 731 - @BlitznBeans
“What.” - dogs in sweaters @BlitznBeans
6 tags
no. 730 - @nayele18
All’s fair in love, war, & the last piece of cake. @nayele18
7 tags
no. 729 - @maxniederhofer
One billion dollars? They could have just downloaded it for free.@maxniederhofer
2 tags
no. 728 - @sadmonsters
Free idea: Kitchen-counter-sized Post-It notes. When the counter isdirty, you just tear it off. @sadmonsters
9 tags
no. 727 - @codinghorror
there must be a German word for this: when you’re using the iPhoneversion of an iPad app because you’re too cheap to buy it again@codinghorror
3 tags
no. 726 - @Ashauri
Les voy a decir que las amo, a ver si as tambin se van.@Ashauri
5 tags
no. 725 - @kelkulus
~Original Illustration by: HelloAgainGirls.com~ “It’s not you, it’s me.” - Identical twins arguing over a photo.@kelkulus
5 tags
no. 724 - @Smethanie
Relationships are likeIKEAfurniture. You feel a sense of pride afterbuilding them and they fall apart after a few years. @Smethanie
5 tags
no. 723 - @shelbyfero
“You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!” - Fonzi Scheme@shelbyfero
5 tags
no. 722 - @Deerflesh
If people were shaped like snakes, socks would be called pants. - @Deerflesh
