August 2011
60 posts
3 tags
no. 398 - @_theguy_
 ~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~Once you get 10,000 followers, you’ve really made it… to a group of people who wished they had 20,000 - @_theguy_  
Aug 1st
July 2011
67 posts
4 tags
no. 397 - @RitleySammich
~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet. -@RitleySammich
Jul 31st
2 tags
no. 396 - @emcognito
 ~Illustration by:Jamie The Boogieman Bougher~When people say they love lobster or crab, I assume they love to suck melted butter off of anything.- @emcognito
Jul 31st
4 tags
no. 395 - @senorwinces
 ~Illustrated by: JB Sapienza~Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, please erase my hard drive with magnets. - @senorwinces
Jul 29th
7 tags
no. 394 - @9to5Life
~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~    Learned today that falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks. And why don’t we have coconut week again? - @9to5Life
Jul 29th
4 tags
no. 393 - @shawngold
~Illustration by: Mike Luckovich~0verheard - The only time my husband can multi-task is while he’s driving. -@shawngold
Jul 28th
3 tags
no. 392 - @ImaFlyontheWall
~Illustration by: Jamie “The Boogieman” Bougher~  Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I. shhhh shut up. You shut up.-@ImaFlyontheWall
Jul 28th
3 tags
no. 391 - @NickyDico
~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~I never lose my temper. It’s always right here with me, waiting to be unleashed. -@NickyDico
Jul 27th
5 tags
no. 390 - @michael_hester
     ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~    At least one ofSteve Buscemi’sparents had to have been a pigeon. - @michael_hester
Jul 27th
6 tags
no. 389 - @sbellelauren
~Illustrated by:Greg Smith~outside is much more scary when you think of bushes as tree midgets -@sbellelauren
Jul 26th
1 note
6 tags
no. 388 - @depreciated
My parents just got their first computer. Nigeria, go easy on my inheritance. -@depreciated
Jul 25th
7 tags
no. 387 - @WhitsonGordon - @HowToGeek
~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~It’s our very first double twag - from @WhitsonGordon & @HowToGeek
Jul 25th
3 tags
no. 386 - @SeanBlazeV2
“Alright, everybody better listen the FUCK up! I’m going over here now.” ~ Crows @SeanBlazeV2
Jul 24th
4 tags
no. 385 - @charliepantzz
Match.com should really be a website for finding the other sock. -@charliepantzz
Jul 24th
4 tags
no. 384 - @TheRealLadyLuck
~Illustration by:Jeff Naslund~  Every, time, someone, overuses, commas, I just, say it, in my, William Shatner, voice. -@TheRealLadyLuck
Jul 23rd
5 tags
no. 383 - @ramisalame
~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~Its 2011 and still theres no ice cream flavor called twitter? Come on! - @ramisalame
Jul 23rd
3 tags
no. 382 - @Halloween_Bag
~Illustration by: Matt Lassen~My mom gets to Google by searching for it with Yahoo! -@Halloween_Bag
Jul 22nd
2 tags
no. 381 - @TheRealLadyLuck
~Illustration by:Nicholas Spence~I wish it were completely acceptable to high-five someone’s face. -@TheRealLadyLuck
Jul 22nd
Jul 22nd
14 notes
7 tags
no. 380 - @LittleHarmonica
 ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~You know you spend too much time online when you struggle to use a pen to write. -@LittleHarmonica
Jul 21st
4 tags
no. 379 - @tweetcomedian
  The worst thing about getting hit in the face withPiis it never ends. @tweetcomedian
Jul 21st
3 tags
no. 378 - @johnkoralewski
You know the handle you jiggle when the toilet won’t shut up? Some of my friends need one of those on their forehead. -@johnkoralewski
Jul 21st
4 tags
no. 377 - @therealgnu
~Illustration by: Nicholas Spence~My action figure would come with action sold separately. @therealgnu
Jul 21st
4 tags
no. 376 - @CuddlyNinja
~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~    “Hey, that shit looks fun. Don’t do that.” - religion -@CuddlyNinja
Jul 20th
3 tags
no. 375 - @ZiggyWigged
 ~Illustration by:Jeff Naslund~My son just shampooed the carpet, minus the sham.@ZiggyWigged
Jul 20th
3 tags
no. 374 - @GSouder
Nothing gets me closer to murder than pedestrians who are out pacing me while I sit in traffic.@GSouder
Jul 19th
5 tags
no. 373 - @donni
~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~The fact that we don’t use towels todrytowels makes me question the value of towels. -@donni
Jul 19th
4 tags
no. 372 - @theNuzzy
~Illustrated by: Josh Abraham~You know what’s not as good? Pushed pork sandwiches. -@theNuzzy
Jul 19th
4 tags
no. 371 - @JonMoisan
~Illustrated by:Greg Smith~I thought that by this point in my life, I would be a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Eight year old me would be so ashamed of current me. -@JonMoisan
Jul 18th
5 tags
no. 370 - @bulls_horns
 ~Illustration by:Jeff Naslund~We only keep a landline so I can call my cell when I lose it in the house.-@bulls_horns
Jul 18th
2 tags
no. 369 - @zcrantz
By the way, let the record reflect that I inadvertently created the international emoticon for bipolar disorder today : ) : @zcrantz
Jul 17th
1 tag
no. 368 - @_JimmySnow_
One advantage of being 40+ on Twitter is the keen ability to spot an unoriginal tweet because you read it off a t-shirt in 1979. -@_JimmySnow__
Jul 17th
Jul 16th
1,762 notes
5 tags
no. 367 - @SKYENICOLAS
~Illustration by: Jeff Naslund~BREAKING: A cat did something - details on YouTube.-@SKYENICOLAS
Jul 16th
1 tag
no. 366 - @slyoung5
 ~Illustration by: Nicholas Spence~  Note to self: Self does not want anymore notes. Fuck off. -@slyoung5
Jul 16th
1 tag
no. 365 - @PortlandiaGirl
   ~Illustration by: Ingrid Doering~    I got a new car for my husband. BEST.TRADE. EVER. - @PortlandiaGirl
Jul 16th
3 tags
no. 364 - @rainnwilson
   ~ Illustration by:Gary Krejca~Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’ @rainnwilson
Jul 15th
6 tags
no. 363 - @SEAempire
Some app I accidentally downloaded makes my phone beep everytime I lie! But please don’t tell. People think it’s my fake boyfriend texting. -@SEAempire
Jul 15th
5 tags
no. 362 - @Xytrex
   ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~Theres nothing like your first romantic kiss, except maybe your first romantic kiss with another personso Ive heard. - @Xytrex
Jul 14th
3 tags
no. 361 - @AcesEveryTime
~ Illustration by:Gary Krejca~I wish salaries were based on the number of 90’s rap songs you could repeat verbatim. -@AcesEveryTime
Jul 14th
4 tags
no. 360 - @emcognito
If Picasso was such a great painter, how come Sherwin-Williams got a paint store named after him and he didn’t? -@emcognito
Jul 14th
3 tags
no. 359 - @Squirreljustice
 ~Illustration by:Sam Dakota~  I have to assume the last person who used the pen at thebankjust spent the day giving homeless people gloveless pelvic exams. @Squirreljustice
Jul 13th
3 tags
no. 355 - @globetrottgirl
Got pulled over today and cop said “papers”   So I said scissors   I WIN!!   @globetrottgirl
Jul 13th
7 tags
no. 358 - @hairicaaa
~Illustration by: Sam Dakota~  When I see a toddler wearing glasses, I automatically assume they can solve a long division problem faster than me. -@hairicaaa
Jul 12th
2 tags
no. 357 - @haurdCider
People who sodomize donkeys are fucking assholes. -@haurdCider~Illustration by: Jamie The Boogieman Bougher~ 
Jul 12th
3 tags
no. 354 - @tackie_jackie
   ~Illustration by:Emily Niland~Gotta say, Huz’s sexy when he’s screaming like a lunatic for me to stop tweeting and help in the garden. He’s also a raging delusionist. - @tackie_jackie
Jul 12th
1 tag
no. 356 - @theNuzzy
They just opened an inconvenience store all the way on the other side of town. -@theNuzzy  
Jul 12th
5 tags
no. 353 - @SarahKSilverman
~Illustration by:Greg Smith~“Not in my backyard!” Wait—was someone trying to be gay in your backyard?? -@SarahKSilverman
Jul 11th
1 note
2 tags
no. 352 - @haurdCider
   “Oh cool, a party! Wait, what?” — Pinata @haurdCider
Jul 10th
5 tags
no. 351 - @falarina
 ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~    It’s a very happy flight when every part of the person next to you fits in their seat. -@falarina
Jul 10th