July 2011
67 posts
3 tags
no. 334 - @lazerdoov
Girlfriend was waiting for me when I got home. Girlfriend is what I nicknamed my empty, unfurnished silent apartment of sadness. - @lazerdoov    ~Illustration by:Emily Niland~
Jul 1st
June 2011
68 posts
5 tags
no. 333 - @Brain_Wash
My nephew’s birthday is coming up. I wonder what you get for the boy who is made entirely of mucus. @Brain_Wash  ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Jun 30th
1 tag
Jun 29th
2 notes
6 tags
no. 332 - @Joshinator
If a woman had given AlbertEinsteina handjob, it would have been a stroke of genius. -@Joshinator  ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Jun 29th
Jun 28th
4 tags
no. 331 - @LaughingLesbian
  Most days I am so fucking awesome, the roses stop and smell me. - @LaughingLesbian  ~Illustration by: Niki Waters~
Jun 28th
3 tags
no. 330 - @bazecraze
Sadness is an L.A. bagel. - @bazecraze
Jun 28th
4 tags
no. 329 - @sbellelauren
i could never have a chip on my shoulder. i’d totally eat it before anyone saw it. - @sbellelauren ~Illustration by:Pete Hillstrom~
Jun 27th
5 tags
no. 328 - @beingtheo
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style. Now explaining typewriter -@beingtheo~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~
Jun 26th
3 tags
no. 327 - @emvetica
  Fact: I broke up with a guy because his pre-sneeze face scared the crap out of me. - @emvetica  ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Jun 25th
3 tags
no. 326 - @DoubleBerg426
Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun’s over. - @DoubleBerg426  ~Illustration by: Nicholas Dennis~
Jun 24th
5 tags
no. 325 - @MistookMistake
Please note: They are called “skinny” jeans… not “make you skinny” jeans. - @MistookMistake ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Jun 24th
4 tags
no. 324 - @DepressedDarth
  The best part of the newLadyGagaalbum is the part in between songswhere there’s no music. - @DepressedDarth  ~Illustration by: Anna Beck~
Jun 23rd
4 tags
no. 323 - @DamienFahey
  The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa. @DamienFahey  ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~   
Jun 23rd
5 tags
no. 322 - @yoyoha
“HeyEvolution, what the fuck?” - Platypus @yoyoha  ~Illustration by: Josh Hara~
Jun 22nd
5 tags
no. 321 - @willwrite4beer
Instead of mandatory steroid testing for athletes, why not just makeevery athlete takesteroids? - @willwrite4beer  ~Illustration by: Gideon Virgadamo~   
Jun 22nd
1 tag
no. 320 - @shawnries
Just for the record, if roles were reversed, theres no way a cat would keep four or more middle-aged women around. - @shawnries  ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Jun 22nd
5 tags
no. 319 - @Ty_Schutz
  It’s weird that there are no humans in the Planet Earth series. Where’s the rich white guy who shoots the lion? - @Ty_Schutz
Jun 21st
5 tags
no. 318 - @shariv67
Every time I pull up in my Smart Car, the garage asks, “Is it in yet?” @shariv67 ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~
Jun 21st
4 tags
no. 317 - @FilthyRichmond
Keep a set of maracas on your desk so people won’t suspect that you’re openingpillbottles all day long -@FilthyRichmond  ~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~
Jun 20th
4 tags
no. 316 - @goldenjessica
Just played a round of one of my favorite games #oopsnotmyprius - @goldenjessica ~Illustration by: John P. Dessereau~
Jun 20th
5 tags
no. 315 - @PaulBriganti
Pretty sure I just got the first draft version of the justin bieber haircut - @PaulBriganti
Jun 20th
5 tags
no. 314 - @yoyoha
Dear Women,We don’t know how to imply anything, so please stop getting mad at us for that.Love, Men @yoyoha  ~ Illustration by:Gary Krejca~ 
Jun 20th
6 tags
no. 313 - @OuterJohn
“I have no son.” — Lumberjack discovering his son withwafflesinstead of pancakes -@OuterJohn  ~Illustration by:Carnilius R~
Jun 19th
3 tags
no. 312 - @snowness
I’ve decided to imposecelibacyon myself. Now I can pretend I’m notgetting laid out of personal choice.@snowness  ~Illustration by:Carnilius R~
Jun 19th
4 tags
no. 311 - @rosa
If I ever get married, the pre-nup will stipulate that bending the corners of a book’s pages is grounds for divorce. - @rosa  ~Illustration by: Pete Hillstrom~
Jun 18th
5 tags
no. 310 - @JordyHamrick
If I ever commit a murder and need to somewhere to hide the body, Ihave the perfect place in mind… MySpace. - @JordyHamrick  ~Illustration by: Zach Rodis~
Jun 17th
yeahimashley-deactivated2011100 asked: That's pretty rad. Thank you very much!
Jun 17th
5 tags
no. 309 - @JordyHamrick
Its pretty adorable how raccoons and deer take naps on the side of highways all the time. - @JordyHamrick  ~Illustration by: Kevin Coffee~
Jun 17th
5 tags
no. 307 - @DrTwittenheimer
Staring longingly at the door works for my cats, but I tried it in a meeting and no one let me out. -@DrTwittenheimer 
Jun 16th
2 tags
no. 306 - @puresurplus
A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him. -@puresurplus  
Jun 16th
6 tags
no. 305 - @JennyJohnsonHi5
I view cooking the same way I view having kids. I can do it, I just don’t want to. - @JennyJohnsonHi5
Jun 15th
6 tags
no. 308 - @Wussawilla
So, when you’re sexting.. do you get a phoner? - @Wussawilla  ~Illustration by:Pete Hillstrom~
Jun 15th
3 tags
no. 304 - @YeahImAshley
After sex, guys have the same problem as a murderer: what to do with the body. - @YeahImAshley ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~
Jun 15th
4 tags
no. 303 - @ixSEANxi
They’re tweets, notHemingway. Get the fuck over yourselves. -@ixSEANxi~Illustration by: Carnilius R~
Jun 14th
1 note
3 tags
no. 302 - @YourFavWhiteGuy
If your girl & her BFF are always saying “OMG, we’re pretty much thesame person!” then you can bang her friend. #notcheating #sameperson@YourFavWhiteGuy ~Illustration by: Emily Niland~
Jun 14th
3 tags
no. 301 - @albertcuesta
The small chicken has said enough, it does not want to lay more eggs#catenglish -@albertcuesta  
Jun 14th
4 tags
no. 300 - @MauriceBlitz
Went to a job fair today. Got my resume painted on my face. :) - @MauriceBlitz  ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~
Jun 14th
1 note
5 tags
no. 299 - @EmpPalp
  The best part of moving into a new house is finding all the fun newplaces to masturbate.@EmpPalp ~Illustration by: Carnilius R~
Jun 13th
5 tags
no. 298 - @TeenDreaming
I’m not a NERD. I just don’t want to work at MCDONALDS when I’m older. - @TeenDreaming
Jun 13th
3 tags
no. 297 - @meganamram
NO ONE GIVE AWAY THE ENDING OF THE ALPHABET I’M ONLY UP TO “G” -@meganamram ~Illustration by:Sam Spratt~
Jun 13th
4 tags
no. 296 - @HerMaeness
Ate corn on the cob in public today and now I’m never gonna getmarried. @HerMaeness   ~Illustration by: Maybelline Chow~
Jun 13th
4 tags
no. 295 - @TheChrisAngel
I think the worst part about leaving your heart in San Francisco would be the fact that now you’re dead. -@TheChrisAngel  
Jun 12th
5 tags
no. 294 - @MoRocca
  Hipsters are Geek Chic. True nerds are Geek Orthodox - @MoRocca  ~Illustration by:Pete Hillstrom~   
Jun 12th
7 tags
no. 293 - @anniecolbert
When the tech bubble bursts, take cover from flyingplaidand hoodies. -@anniecolbert ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~
Jun 12th
4 tags
no. 292 - @peterbyrnes
I wear my headphones at my desk even if I’m not listening to anything, just so I can feel the slight pressure on my head and feel loved. - @peterbyrnes
Jun 10th
3 tags
no. 291 - @danhhoang
I like your thighs in the fatty position. - @danhhoang ~Today’s illustrator: Rebeccah Mary Hartz~
Jun 10th
4 tags
no. 290 - @TheDweck
Cee Lo Green is my favorite Crayola color. -@TheDweck  ~Illustration by:Sam Spratt~
Jun 10th
3 tags
no. 289 - @senorwinces
Mylifecoachadvised me to run out the clock. @senorwinces  ~Illustration by:Kaz Foxsen~
Jun 9th
5 tags
no. 288 - @JohnRossBowie
  For someone who knows a lot about science, Sid the Science Kid isdoing NOTHING about his jaundice. - @JohnRossBowie  ~Illustration by: Lily Churgin~
Jun 9th