4 tags

no. 578 - @comedyfish

No, YOU’RE grammar is awful! -@comedyfish

Dec 1st

5 tags

no. 577 - @LittleHarmonica

I’m not looking for my knight in shining armour, just a man who knows how to handle a sword.@LittleHarmonica

Nov 30th

3 tags

no. 576 - @perlanation

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~I just put a potato in the microwave and pressed Popcorn but it’s still a potato… Did I do it wrong?@perlanation

Nov 29th

4 tags

no. 575 - @robdelaney

“Manuscript” is probably the classiest place to hide the word “anus.”@robdelaney

Nov 28th

4 tags

no. 574 - @anniecolbert

~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~Setting off the fire alarm while attempting to make peanut butter and jelly requires a special type of talent. - @anniecolbert

Nov 23rd

6 tags

no. 573 - @JayTheOkay

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~Is it possible that zombies are just regular people that had decaf by accident? @JayTheOkay

Nov 22nd

5 tags

no. 572 - @bdbdleeroybrown

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~I masturbated so much yesterday that generations of sperm to come will talk about what they were doing on the holocaust of September 20.@bdbdleeroybrown

Nov 21st

4 tags

no. 571 - @savvystrider

Women are like Wi-Fi. They’re everywhere and no one will tell me the password -@savvystrider

Nov 21st

4 tags

no. 570 - @jscottwilson

~Illustration by:Carnilius R~Time flies. Those pesky little pests that follow you back and forth in your timemachine.@jscottwilson

Nov 20th

6 tags

no. 569 - @DumbNOTDeaf / @Kyle_Lippert

~Illustrated by:Chris Pittas~In a perfect world you’d be able to mark people as spam in real life. @DumbNOTDeaf(now@Kyle_Lippert)

Nov 18th

6 tags

no. 568 - @letsgetgizzy

~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~My phone auto-corrected “haha” to “hahaha” — um, yea it was funny, but let’s keep our pants on. @letsgetgizzy

Nov 18th

6 tags

no. 567 - @BlazedDonuts

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~Was Judas the first unfollower?@BlazedDonuts

Nov 16th

2 tags

no. 566 - @jwalkonthemoon

It’s time for someone to build a human version of a bug zapper. Set it up directly in the middle of a mall food court. Then watch and wait. -@jwalkonthemoon

Nov 15th

4 tags

no. 565 - @primawesome

~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~Apparently singing “total eclipse of the heart” in an elevator makes people uncomfortable. It’s not my fault that song requires eye contact. @primawesome

Nov 15th

5 tags

no. 564 - @MorganJ7

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~My grandma asked if “tweeting” was a new drug kids are doing and I said yes because the truth is more embarrassing.@MorganJ7

Nov 14th

3 tags

no. 563 - @eTHEgoddess

I need to work on my “please don’t talk to me” face.Apparently, it’s shockingly similar to my “tell me every random thought you have” face@eTHEgoddess

Nov 13th

3 tags

no. 562 - @ecorno2

~Illustrated by: Dennis Culver~There are bad dates and then there are the…Please let the restaurant start on fucking fire in the next ten minutes kind. -@ecorno2

Nov 13th

1 tag

Nov 12th

4 tags

no. 561 - @WritingWilkie

~Illustrated by: Chris Pittas~If I had to define my style, I’d probably go with “Disney World Dad” @WritingWilkie

Nov 11th

4 tags

no. 560 - @Glorificus917

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~Instead of bottling up my emotions, I put them in little ziploc bags. They stay much fresher that way. -Glorificus917

Nov 11th

4 tags

no. 559 - @Josh_in_therapy

~Illustration by:Pete Hillstrom~Drowning is probably the most embarrassing way for a fish to die. -@Josh_in_therapy

Nov 10th

4 tags

no. 558 - @IGotsSmarts

~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~I refuse to use a GPS system until it can tell me how to get to Sesame Street.@IGotsSmarts

Nov 10th

3 tags

no. 557 - @DadNeedsADrink

Hey, Dora. How about we ease up on the Spanish lessons and teach my son how to wipe his own ass? @DadNeedsADrink

Nov 10th

3 tags

no. 556 - @posthumanist

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~A tumbleweed just blew through my sex life. @posthumanist

Nov 9th

5 tags

no. 555 - @Schmoodles

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato. -@Schmoodles

Nov 7th

4 tags

no. 554 - @Schmoodles

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~My boyfriend asked for anal, so I alphabetized his DVD collection. @Schmoodles

Nov 7th

2 tags

no. 553 @AdviceToWriters

  Being a good writer is 3% talent, 97% not being distracted by the internet. @AdviceToWriters

Nov 6th

1 note

5 tags

no. 552 - @Josh_in_therapy

~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~My sex life is like unicorns, horny but nonexistent. -@Josh_in_therapy

Nov 5th

3 tags

Nov 5th

1 note

1 tag

Nov 5th

3 tags

no. 551 - @sbellelauren

~Illustrated by:Greg Smith~“occupy my ladyparts” was not the successful pickup line i expected it to be this weekend -@sbellelauren

Nov 4th

6 tags

no. 550 - @myhypochondria

~Illustration by:Matt Lassen~Going to #BWELA today. I have a backpack full of Purell and a Costco-sized bag of surgical gloves. Can’t wait to meet everyone! @myhypochondria

Nov 3rd

9 tags

no. 549 - @yaelbt

~Illustration by:Kevin Coffee~Nothing I can do will make these birds stop being angry. @yaelbt

Nov 3rd

1 tag

Nov 1st

17 notes

2 tags

Nov 1st

9 notes

3 tags

no. 548 - @BigDaddyDouche

To me, two people arguing in a foreign language, are arguing about who can talk faster in a foreign language.-@BigDaddyDouche

Nov 1st